ABy Testing Initiative Form 1, V1.0

I'm just going to leave this here for now. Let's see what happens.

Download a printer friendly version here.

ABy Testing Initiative - Baby Food
Aby			Date
Flavor	Brand Heinz Gerber Other	Size 128mL 213mL Other	Stage 1 - Infant 2 - Baby 3 - Toddler
Objective Measures
Feeding ___ of ___ this session	Method Spoon Force Feeder Other		Spoonfulls Till Gag Reflex:
Subjective Measures* (experimenter)
subjective measures should be taken by measuring the reaction of the subject at the begining of the feeding (after the first spoonfull), middle and end of every feeding.
Taste B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10		Sexiness B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Subjective Measures* (subject)
subjective measures should be polled to the subject by the exprimenter at the begining of the feeding middle and end of every feeding.
Look B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10		Smell B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Taste B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10		Babyish B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Texture B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10		Sexiness B: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 M: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 E: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
* All subjective measurements are 10 being the most and/or best, and 1 being the worst/least. I.e. 10 in flavour being the tastiest, and a 2 in Babyish being very adult.
This ABy Testing Initiave Form is Version 1.0, created by Sissy Becky, and released under a creative commons license. (cc) (by) (nc) (sa)

Car seat

Yesterday evening, as a joke, I sat in a preschool-age car seat. It was  more fun than I thought it would be, and my body actually fit. The only problem was that I would have had to tilt my head sideways, because I was boosted up so high.

It would probably be unsafe as hell  to ride around town with it, but it's nice to know that the option of sitting in one exists!

Maybe one could be used for bondage + humiliation play...

Finding and Keeping a Relationship as an ABy

I recently went through this crazy world-crashing experience with my wife that has forever changed the way we look at each other, and at how we relate to each other. This happened not only on a sexual level, but also on a deeper level around our intimacy and love. I would like to somehow help others out there, so that they can get the same joy and fulfilment from their relationships.

This has given me a lot to think about in terms of infantilism, sex, intimacy, relationships and marriage. And I think that as a topic, it is not really discussed in our community, beyond the calls of "how can I get my wife to participate in my ABy play?" or "how can I find a mommy?". This is sad. I think that with balance, patience, compromise and understanding, ABys can get the love they need, and still be the kind of lover their significant others need.

Just a quick note about pronouns. An overwhelming majority of ABies are straight and male. So my assumption dear reader is that you are in fact male, and looking for mommy. If you are a female ABy, or a gay ABy, then by all means, read though this article, but know that I can't really speak about your own experience with any kind of authority. In general, Gays seem to be more accepting of alternate expressions of sexuality. Men also will respond differently to the idea of an alternate sexuality then Women. However these are all generalizations, and should be taken with a grain of salt!

So, ABy Girls and Gay ABys, if there are holes in this essay that you would like to fill in (giggity!). Please feel free to do so! I'd love to hear about your experiences, trials, and success stories.

Single life - Getting the kind of love you need

Adult Babies come in many shapes and sizes. Some are not very invested in their ABy side. Others have a depth to their infantilism that colours everything they do, and everything they are. My own infantilism runs quite deep, it is not just a sexual thing, but an intimate thing, a spiritual thing, and a wellspring of creativity, compassion and happiness. Knowing where you stand on this scale is vastly important. Would you be happy getting into a relationship with very little ABy play at all? Or is this something very fundamental, and the idea of being in a relationship without any ABy play is effectively the same as a relationship without sexual intimacy?

This ultimately comes down to the question of: if you don't know what your needs are, how can you communicate them to anyone else?

For the moment, lets say that you are not invested in your ABy side. Changes are your relationship life is going to be just about as difficult as it is for anyone else on the planet. Your possibilities of getting a relationship are mostly reliant on interpersonal skills; your ability to read, and respond to body language; and all the other things that it takes to find and keep a relationship–two very different sets of skills indeed! If you're in this camp, I don't have much to say to you. My infantilism has expressed itself much deeper and any advice I have to give in terms of finding a mate just won't be that worthwhile.

Assuming that your infantilism runs deep into your soul, things change considerably. There are a variety of factors that will need to be
considered: the kind of interactions you have with your preferred partner choice are coloured by your infantilism, finding a direct match
(ABy/Daddy, ABy/Mommy, etc.) becomes difficult at best, and you will at some point have to deal with privacy issues.

One of the things that I have noticed amongst a majority of Adult Babies (though, not all of them) is that it seems like they carry their
full diaper around as baggage. It stinks. What I mean by that is that as Adult Babies, we experience love in very different ways from
99% of the population. Sure a kiss is intimate and caring, but so is a pacifier popped into our mouth, a pat on the head or a playful
tussling of our hair. This alternate experience of intimacy colours our interactions with potential mates in ways that they might find
awkward and confusing. This happens on both an conscious, and subconscious level. The effect of this is, you will be sending your
potential mates slightly different I-want-to-mate-with-you signals then the rest of the population, and as such, they will have a harder
time picking up on them (at best) or will be turned off entirely (at worst). So I think the key here is to understand what kind of
signals you are sending out, both consciously and subconsciously, and try to change them.

Let me give you an example: being an Adult Baby is inherently a submissive stance. I don't mean that in a whips-and-chains kind of
way (as fun as that is!), but I mean it in more of a waiting-for-the-other-to-take-the-lead kind of way. At the risk of sounding sexist,
most women are waiting for the man to take the lead. Obviously there is a difference between letting your intentions be known, and
beating a cave-woman with a club and dragging her by the hair back to the cave, so as well as learning about being more assertive in your
desires, you will need to couple that with learning to read other peoples body language as well.

One of the hardest things I have seen is a self perpetuating cycle where the ABy finds themselves in a position where they cannot find
love, and they get more desperate, and start to act out in more in-appropriate ways to find the right kind of "Mommy". Eventually you
get to the point where a grown man is dressed up like a baby, going to a mall, and asking total strangers to change their diaper. Ugh.

Desperation is never a turn on. The more you feel you need someone else to complete you, the less attractive you become. This is
because what is seen as attractive in a male, is one who is self sufficient and confident. So in a lot of ways, the key to finding a
mate is to get yourself into a place of self-sufficiency and reliance where you don't need one.

On Mommies

The idea of a "mommy" is a myth. There just aren't that many people out there that want to have their very own Adult Baby. They make
for good stories, phone sex operators, and photo sets. But in reality? They seem rare, if they even exist at all. For whatever reason,
there do seem to be more daddies out there then mommies. This disparity is likely related to the fact that there are also more male ABys
then female.

So holding out for a Mommy is a waste of time. Assuming you do find one that you are sexually compatible with (wait, you mean this
mommy does/doesn't want to tie me up, spank me and give me enemas? Ugh!) you would be extremely lucky if you were to match up on an
emotional, spiritual and mental level.

Essentially I advocate for someone you can connect with on a mental, emotional and spiritual level, and use that as a firm foundation
where you both can connect with eachother on a sexual/intimate level.

On privacy and letting kittens out of the diaper bag.

OK, so you're primed and ready to go, you've decided to try and work on your interpersonal skills to attract a woman in your life, there
is just one thing to consider… when are you going to let them know about your strange desires? This actually opens up a bigger
question that you need to answer: How public are you going to be anyway? There are 2 basic approaches you can take, one
is to be more public about your desires and who you are, and the second is to be more private. In either case–and this is important to
realize–if you express your infantile desires to anyone, your secret will get out.

This bears repeating. If you tell ANYONE about your infantilism, you have to assume that others will find out.

This means that if you are going to be even the slightest bit open about your desires, you need to come to terms with them. If they are
a source of guilt, shame and embarrassment, then you need to work on that, and get comfortable within yourself. Part of that getting
comfortable might involve being more public, but this is a question only you can answer.

When I was a teenager (you kids get offa my lawn!) the Internet was largely just a thing that connected university campuses and
military bases. But we did have these things called "BBSs", and they operated a lot like the forums and chatrooms of today, except the
communities were much smaller. I had built up my identity–and my pseudonym–in these BBSs as an adult baby. Sometimes everyone would
get together in real life, and everyone I met basically knew what I was. Was this a good idea? I am not sure to this day. On the
one-hand it made the expression of my desires easier (because it was no secret), on the other hand I am still feeling the repercussions
of this public display of myself to this day. For example, one day I ran into an old friend of mine at work, and it turned out she was
married to my boss. The next day, my boss dropped by my desk, and called me by my very infantile nickname from back-in-the-day. This
was awkward.

Now a-days online communities are much bigger and more connected. If you are opting to be more public about your infantilism, then
build an online persona that is different, and disconnected from your real name. If you connect your real name to your ABy self, it
will be impossible for you to dis-entangle it. Which might not be a big deal when you are 15, 18 or 20, but when you are looking for a
job, and someone checks your facebook profile, and notices you hit "Like" on that "Sissy Adult Baby" link, that can cost you the job.
Even if you do get the job, how awkward would things be?

Basically, it seems to works like this: If you are generally more public about your desires, then it will be easier to talk about your
desires to your girlfriend, but your secret will be out, and you won't be able to control who knows. If you are more private, then it
will be harder to get your needs met, because you won't be telling anyone about it!

It's a delicate dance. but every step you take towards being more public is an irreversible step. I don't want to scare you, because I
in fact benefited ultimately from being open about my desires, however, it has also caused complications in my personal life, as well as
my married life.

Again, once you tell ANYONE about your desires, the kitten is out of the diaper bag, and it is NOT going back in again.

Into the relationship

Telling it all, and letting chips go where they fall

I told my wife about my infantilism pretty early on in the relationship. Actually, funny story, when we first met there was a jar of
babyfood, a bib, a baby bowl and spoon on our living room table. I had to make up some kind of lie about how a cousin was over the other
day. It was awkward. But I digress. I went the route of being honest early in the relationship, and I don't think I would do it over
again differently.

What I would do over differently is how I told her. I actually look back on it, and cringe. We were just starting to get really
romantically involved, and I invited her to join me in an Internet Chatroom (IRC actually) about diapers. She was quite naive, and so
she mostly spent the time in there just being really confused. I was lucky. REALLY lucky.

How would I have done it differently? I would have taken her out on some kind of date, made her feel special, and then in a
particularly intimate and close moment, talked about my desires. The timing of that moment would be key. There should be no-one else
in earshot, and there should be no expectation of anything happening right away. For instance, in a crowded restaurant would not have
been a good idea. Right before any bedroom fun? that is right out! Cuddling on the couch, or right after some bedroom fun , during the
afterglow might be a perfect time. Use your intuition here. The key is to make sure there is a lot of physical touch between the two
of you going on. People are more open and connected when there is a physical expression of that connection.

In fact, you might want to take a longer view of this, and ask your girlfriend about any fantasies that she wants fulfilled. If she
knows that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy in the bedroom, it might be easier for her to reciprocate.

Resist the urge to show her any kind of ABy related porn. Seriously. If she is interested, she will ask. For the uninitiated it is
really intense, and hard to look at. My wife to this day has a hard time looking at ABy porn. I cna't say I blame her, because as hot
as it makes me, I can see from her point of view that it can be disturbing.

The three keys to making it work

Okay, so you want your girlfriend to Diaper you, feed you your bottle, maybe even dress you up as a girl, spank you and do nasty things
to you (oh wow, it's a little hot in here now!) You cannot even begin to expect this of her without a few things: Patience,
Understanding and being Good, Giving and Game (GGG), to use a phrase from Dan Savage.

Patience is important. You've likely dropped some kind of bomb on her. Hopefully it is just a firecracker, but for her it might
actually feel more like a nuclear warhead. Don't count on her outward reaction to tell you how she is really feeling. She could be
trying to spare your feelings, she could be in shock, and she likely doesn't know how she feels at all. So, after letting the bomb
drop, YOU MUST BE PATIENT. Don't bring it up for a little while. Let her come to terms with it, and let her take the lead for awhile.
Answer her questions honestly. Even the harder questions like "Do you poop your diapers?". She has to know that you are willing to be
completely honest and open.

If after awhile she doesn't bring it up, have the conversation again, and ask her how she feels. Steel yourself. She might say
something like "I think you need to go to therapy". Know that she isn't saying that to hurt you, but is genuinely concerned about your
well being. If you start getting overly defensive then that will cause more problems. If she says something like "I think it is
disgusting!" try to understand things from her point of view. Let her know that this is not just a small piece of yourself that you
can turn off.

Make sure she knows that you desire her, but that your infantilism is also part of that desire. Make sure she knows that it is not just
being fed a bottle, but that she is the one doing the feeding. When your girlfriend is confronted with the information that your
boyfriend is turned on by diapers, bottles, and pacifiers, it can raise all kind of thorny issues of desirability. "Is he turned on by
me? Is it just the diapers? Has the sex ever been good?" Do your best to alleviate these fears if you sense your girlfriend having
them. In fact these fears may not go away after a week, month, or even year.

Something else you should be aware of: You have had years to get used to the fact that you are an infantilist. She has not. Again,
she will need time and understanding around this. PATIENCE.

Now lets talk about GGG. Good, Giving and Game. Is there something that she has always wanted to try in the bedroom and you have shied
away from? Well, buck up kiddo and grow a pair. Sorry, I don't care if it is as simple as going down on her, or as intense has letting
her fuck you with a strap-on, or opening up the relationship to threesomes, or even opening it up altogether. You can't expect her
to change your diaper if you won't respond in kind.

"But Becky! Letting her have sex with another guy is TOTALLY different!"

Well, yes. Everyone is different. And everyone is built different sexually, right? I'd like to get into the possible benefits of
polyamoury in an infantilist relationship another time, but suffice to say, the idea of dressing you like a baby might be just as
abhorrent to her, as the idea of sharing her is with you.

But there is more to being Good, Giving and Game then just reciprocating in your lovers fantasies. Part of being Good means having
intimacy in the bedroom. Sure, you and I both know that a bottle feeding can be quite intimate, but your girlfriend probably just feels
awkward and uncomfortable about the whole thing. So you need to show her intimacy and touch in ways that SHE can respond to. If you
are anything like me, it is kinda hard to understand, because you're wired to get sexually and intimately aroused by different things.
So open yourself to other forms of intimacy. Honestly this was one of the hardest things for me to learn.

In fact, one of the best things you can do here, is to ask your girlfriend, what makes her feel special? What makes her feel intimate,
close to you, and loved? I could go through a whole host of suggestions, but I am still learning about my wife, and my wife is not your
girlfriend. Well… not as far I know!

What happens when things don't work out?

Prepare yourself for that as a possibility. I don't like being pessimistic, but this can happen. Do some thinking about whether or not
you can continue a relationship with someone, even if that means you won't have your infantile desires fulfilled. Again, not to be
pessimistic, but this is big. Can you really be in a relationship with someone who won't accept you for who you are?

Now that doesn't mean that you should just dump her if she doesn't jump right in. Again, give her patience, understanding, and time to
grow with it. But make sure that she knows that this is a side of you that you can't just turn off.

• "But Maybe I can turn it off!"
  
  
  

  
  See here is the thing, it seems that a lot of ABies go through what is called the "Binge and Purge" cycle. They go through periods of
  intense desires and longings, and then it flips over and they want to throw everything away. Some actually do, and then go through the
  hardship of building up their collection of diapers, pacifiers, etc. all over again. So if you are thinking to yourself "She is worth
  it, I can change!" You need to have a long hard took at yourself and make sure that is reasonable. If she is really worth changing
  for, then she is really worth the time to figure out whether or not this is possible. And you need to be honest with her.
  

  
  

  
  I've done research, I've looked into the possibility of erasing my own infantilism from my life. This is the conclusion I came to: To
  erase my infantilism would erase a whole lot more of me then I want to.
  

  
  

  
  Honestly I just don't think it can be done.
  

  
  

Balancing the needs

One of hardest things to do in this kind of relationship is balance the needs between the two of you, because you are not optimally
sexually compatible. In my experience this balance gets itself caught up in a kind of loop, and this loop can turn in a positive, or
negative direction.

Lets talk a bit about the negative cycle. One of the partners in the relationship feels like their needs are not being met, which makes
them feel like they are cast aside, and their own needs for intimacy are not important. As time goes on, they get less interested in
fulfilling the other partners needs, and the other partners sexuality becomes a source of resentment. This happened to me, and I was
the taker. I am not proud of my blindness to my wifes needs, but I am learning, growing and changing. My advice to you is to make sure
this does not happen to you! Your girlfriend will need times where you are not a baby. She might need a night of nice romantic love
making that doesn't involve a diaper or a bottle. In fact, I don't know what she needs, but that is up to YOU to find out!

The positive cycle is one that is almost exactly the opposite. Because you are both getting fulfilled, you both become more adventurous
and start to really enjoy your partners sexuality for it's own sake, without letting your own sexuality interfere. You become more and
more giving, which sparks your partner to do so likewise, and the two of you get closer and closer.

That is not to say that this positive loop is without its sacrifices. But the sacrifices are temporary, transient. They are about
"Honey, tonight I need you to be a Man, not a baby." and not just glumly accepting it, but taking it on, becoming the man. Secure in
the knowledge that later, when the timing is right, you'll get turned into the baby.

A large part of this is being able to adequately communicate with your partner. Not just in speaking, but in listening as well. Your
partner might not be able to come right out and say "I need you to be a man". Communication is only partially talking. In fact,
effective communication is more about listening then speaking. So listen carefully. It's worth it.

Good Luck!

I hope this essay has given you something to work from. A way for you to get a partner who can give you what you need, and a way for the
two of you to grow together.

It has always been my belief that Soul Mates are created, not found. So go out there and create one.

A taste of ones medicine

Well, its cold and flu season, and wouldn't you know it, I have one--or the other.

Which brings up the topic of today entry: medicine. I'm going to talk about a stranger side of my own fetishism, that isn't nearly as common as say pacifiers and baby bottle. Now this is not just a clever segue into simple medical fetishism, but a deeper foray into a particular aspect that doesn't seem to be talked about much, or really examined and that is a fetish for being given medicine. I dare say it is rather rare in fact.

Open your mouth and say "Ahhh"

Now, it is most certainly related to medical fetishism. I pin it squarely on the feeling of helplessness that one is reduced to in any kind of medical setting. In a sense being given medicine is one of those moments in your life where you just have to sit back and take the medicine. Sometimes its a big struggle, sometimes it's not; at the end of the day however, the medicine goes down. Spoonful of sugar or not.

There is a strong Ageplay component to it all too. How often have you heard "This will make you all better!" or even "This will help you grow big and strong." Well these words have a special *ahem* meaning for me, especially when there is an expectant spoon being held out, full of some foul smelling--and even fouler tasting--liquid.



There is another ageplay component that is almost too obvious. By the time we can start to feed ourselves, our parents stop holding the spoon. That is, until we get sick, and have to take our medicine.

So transitioning into a more adult frame, being fed medicine is a type of a force feeding. This is a very specific kind of Power Exchange (a la BDSM), where control of what you eat, how much, when, and even how is controlled by someone else.

Finally, the kind of medicine administered can be interesting, diuretics, laxatives... even other more--interesting--medications.

Pacifiers

A pacifier, like a diaper, is one of the ultimate signs of babification. Nothing says "I am a baby" like having a pacifier in ones mouth. There are really 2 sides to the pacifier, the business end, and the display end, I'll talk about each in turn.

The Business End

The suckling end of a pacifier is usually in one of three shapes: spherical, shapes and orthodontic. Spherical pacifiers have quite the history. A piece of cloth with coarse sugar, or even fat wrapped into it is the earliest known instance of a pacifier. There is a painting done in 1506 that shows a baby with one of these cloth teats. Now a days you only see the spherical shape on little pacifier charms that fell out of style in the 90s.

The straight nipple shape is the classic pacifier shape, more like a finger then a nipple, these pacifiers have started to fall out of favor once the orthodontic nipples hit the market, probably sometime in the 80's. You can still find one or two of these still around, Nuk, one of the primary pacifier brands that are out there.


Finally, there is the orthodontic nipple, which is supposedly much better for babys teeth and gums. They fit the mouth a lot better as well. However, most orthodontic pacifiers are meant to go in one direction, and if they are put in upside down, they are not nearly as comfortable.

Materials

Pacifiers are mostly made out of 2 materials: Rubber and Silicone. Rubber pacifiers have a signature rubber taste to them, and after awhile, the rubber starts to get worn out and (quite literally) becomes fuzzy. Most infantilists, myself included, were raised on rubber nipples, so they are more authentic and carry a deeper fetishistic appeal then the silicone variety. That said, the taste of the silicone nipple is hardly noticeable at all. They also seem a lot stronger, and hold up to more uses then the rubber teats. It does make me wonder if in 15-20 years, there is going to be a series of silicone fetishists in the world. Will they be interested in silicon as a substance just as much as rubber fetishists are?

The Display End

All pacifiers made in the last 200 or so years have a shield. The shield of the pacifier is to prevent a possible choking hazard. One of the most interesting and cool shields available is from the Nuk series, which, when the pacifier is in the baby's mouth, makes a shape like they have a wide grin; conversely, you could also see it as a heart.

Earlier I mentioned that the orthodontic nipples has a particular orientation, and this is the brilliant thing about the Nuk shield. When the nipple is in the right way, the pacifier is making a smile. When the nipple is the wrong way, it is a frown! Quite ingenious.

Some pacifier shields have been taken to a new level. One in particular is a bit weird—yes, even for me—the Bling pacifier. Pacifiers, especially ones for real babies, get lost. Easily. So spending this kind of money on a pacifier like this is nothing but a self indulgent mess. Yikes.

The Appeal

Having a pacifier in your mouth, is a constant reminder of ones babified state. Having a pacifier in your mouth can have a very deep pavlovian effect. Imagine the feeling of the shield against your face, the smooth nipple in your mouth, with the smell and taste of the rubber (or silicone). With A pacifier in your mouth, you can't really talk (at least not well). It is heard not to associate all that with feeing babyish.

There is also a very deep relaxing/soothing about having a pacifier in your mouth. It almost begs to be sucked. Again, this probably goes back to early conditioning. The constant sucking motion again, further reinforces the soothing, babyish feeling.

Additionally, the external appearance of a pacifier is quite babyish as well. Most pacifiers (not all) are in soft pastel colors, and some even have cartoon animals on them, further reinforcing the childishness.

Of course, a blog entry about pacifiers would not be complete without at least mentioning oral fixations. So I'll mention it, and leave the rest to the reader!

The door to my linen closet is half open

What is the linen closet? Well, gays "Come out of the Closet", and so too do infantilists have a closet to come out of: The Linen Closet.

For better or worse, my linen closet is half open. Some days I am opening it more, other days I am closing it. It is a constant push/pull thing for me. Sometimes things spill out of my linen closet and onto the floor.

What Am I trying to say? In short, I have a need to share to the world my ABy side. It is something that I have been fighting with for a long, long time. In fact, ever since I have known that I was an ABy, I have been dealing with this.

When I was first getting into this, I had an online name that suggested my ABy name, and I used it everywhere. I wasn't (too) shy about being an ABy, and a lot of people knew, or found out easily. I would always be wearing a pacifier and my jacket--a leather biker jacket no less--had a rattle and diaper pins on it. When I first moved out, I would drink from sippy cups or baby bottles.

The end result of this is that I have a reputation. When I was first dating my wife, mutual acquaintances would go up to her and say "You know about...him...right?" Luckily I was honest and open about who I was faily early in the relationship, so she heard it from me that I was an ABy, not someone else. All that said, it made things a little awkward for her.

Of course, with this reputation, it can be a little awkward for me as well, like when my current boss calls me by one of my old nicknames (Baby Jon) from years ago. Does he really know? He must know that there is SOMETHING about me, but what? and how much does he know?

But despite all of that, the need to share still stands. Even now, I sometimes find myself wishing that I could share in my secret with my friends. In fact, I want to show a few of them this blog!

Why do I need to share my Adult Baby side so much? This is a question I have been grappling with for long. It seems that there are a couple of reasons:

• I am looking for acceptance and validation from my friends
• I am looking for similarities/kinship with someone else

What Do I mean by acceptance and validation? Not just in a "Hey, we know and we're okay with it." kind of way, but in a "Hey, we know and we're okay with it. By the way, you look really cute in that Hello Kitty skirt with your frilly plastic pants poking out from underneath!" kind of way. Basically, I have a need to share my story. that is partially why I am posting this blog in the first place, it is a way for me to share my story, even if I haven't yet told a single friend about it.

The flip side to this coin is the people being shared to; I don't know how fair it is to my friends if I sent them this blog. There would be this expectation that they would read it, and how would it make them feel? I talk about some pretty...ahhh...intense things here. Do my friends really need to know that I enjoy being forcefed from a baby bottle? Do they really need to know that not only to I wear and use diapers sometimes, but...I like it?

Chances are, the answer to those questions are: "No". But I wish it was "yes", and I wish I could share them my world. I haven't fully explored this aspect yet, so chances are I will revisit it in a future blog post. And maybe in the meantime I'll come up with enough courage to actually talk to one of my friends, and see how they really feel about infantlism in general, my infantilism in particular. Of course, I'll have to be careful how I broach the topic!

Baby Bottles... They are so damn cool

I find Baby Bottles endlessly fascinating; not only as a trigger, but also for their innate variety and form in and of themselves.

The baby bottle has a long history. One of the earliest baby bottles goes back to 1500 B.C.E. It was an urn with a spout at the bottom. Typically a rag would be inserted at the spout as a nipple. In the 1800's the idea of a glass bottle and a nipple, the typical baby bottle we know of today, came to fruition. Back then the nipples were made out of an organic material (like cork) which was soft enough for baby, but wasn't the most hygienic. In the mid 1800's the idea of a rubber teat was discovered, which changed things considerably.

Now for some more personal history. When I was 16, I bought my first bottle for myself. It was a nerve wracking experience, going to the baby section of a department store, for perhaps the first time ever. I felt horribly humiliated, because what was a teenager doing in that section? Everyone m must have known that I was an infantilist. Imagine how I felt when the sales lady asked if she could help me. I found a bottle, and got the hell out of there. Part of me wanted to stay there, and marvel in the row upon row of pacifiers, bottles, feeding spoons, bibs and everything.

Imagine how I felt when upon getting home, there was no cap for the nipple, and I had effectively purchased a defective bottle! So back I go, only to return the bottle, and get a new one, feeling extremely sheepish indeed.

Bottle Types

There are a variety of baby bottles on the market now a days. No longer are we in the world of simple urns and rags. Baby bottles now can have embedded thermometers to make sure the formula isn't too hot, micropores on the bottom to let air enter the bottle without upsetting baby and even bottles to feed babyfood instead of liquid. I'll be going through a few of these, and talking not just about the bottles themselves, but how I feel about them, and how I relate to them.

Standard Bottles

In case you don't remember what they look like, the standard bottle is pictured at the top right. This is almost the iconic image of a baby bottle. It certainly is for me, as this is quite likely the kind of babybottle I had when growing up. These classic bottles make me feel a special kind of funny inside. Unlike some of the other cooler/weirder bottles, where my trigger is in the weirdness of the bottle, the trigger is deeply keyed to my own personal childhood, rather then an abstract notion of babyhood in general.

These classic bottles have a problem: because as more liquid is drawn out through the nipple, a vacuum is created. After a little while, air rushes in through the nipple, and through the liquid inside of it, giving the baby gas in the process.

Playtex Nursers

The Playtex nurser is a newer form of bottle that came out in the late 1960s. It features a bottle "shell" where a plastic bag (called a "bottle liner") is dropped in. The nipple is also typically wider. This design was used to try and stop the gas-problem that the typical bottle had. As the baby sucks the plastic liner can deform its shape, so no vacuum is created, and no air bubbles through the bottle.

I was personally exposed to these bottles later on in my childhood which makes for an interesting set of associations. Rather then a very deep seated babyish feeling that a typical bottle would give me, the Playtex nurser has a more "refined" babyish feeling associated with it. Even as an 6 to 12 yearold I would see these bottles, and feel a strong need to suck on them, without (yet) having any personal experiences with them. This is mostly due to the fact that when I was growing up, they were the most common bottle to give a baby. As such, I developed a very "babyish" association with them.

Vented Bottles

Vented bottles are a relatively new item on the market. The idea is to let air escape into the bottle some other way, thus reducing the amount of gas that bubbles through. In some cases (like the bottle pictured ot the right) a special material is used on the bottom of the bottle that lets air through, but not liquid. Dr. Brown's, another manufacturer uses a vent close to the nipple that is channeled to the other end of the bottle, again eliminating the vacuum.

I don't actually have much else to say about these bottles except "They're easy to drink from.". They don't make me feel as swoony and funny inside, and they typically don't have any cute babyish designs on them to increase their "babyishness".

Pacifeeder

The Pacifeeder, as you can see is a strange device. When I first saw one, I practically swooned. It is a bottle and a pacifier. On top of that it has tubing, which I find a little weird. These, and similar products (the Podee feeder) are harder to find. They are not sold in Canada at all in fact, due to some legislation.

It's hard to adequately describe the feeling I got when I first tried it out. In terms of basic mechanics, this is the same basic thing as any normal bottle, but there was something very...different...about sucking, and watching the liquid climb up the tubing and then enter the nipple before finally tasting it. The first time that it was upended, and the liquid was forced down the tube and into the nipple was an even stronger, more powerful experience. But I am getting ahead of myself, more on that later.

Baby Food Feeder

Another Stranger Item. There aren't that many manufacturers around, Sassy being the only real active one I know of. These bottles are a little different in that instead of being filled with liquid, they are filled with pureé babyfood or cereal instead. The theory is that it is an easier transition for baby to make from the world of liquid food to "solid" food. Really they should just call this the transition between liquid food to liquefied food. These bottles have a sliding bottom, so that as the baby sucks, the bottom slowly slides up, again avoiding the vacuum. The bottom can also be pushed down so that food enters and goes through the nipple. Some varieties even have spoon attachments that go where the nipple should go, presumably to further ease the transition.

I have to buy one of these every time I see one. Not only are they rare, but the nipples they come with have bigger holes to allow the food to go through. These larger-holed nipples can be used on other bottles as well, making them easier to drink out of. I agonized for months before buying my first one. I look back to that day and wonder why I thought it was such a big deal, but it was. These things were just so weird, and I felt so weird buying it.

Now, being fed from it is also a weird, and intense experience. The babyishness of babyfood, combines with the nipple-based-feeding to form a practically transcendent experience.

Notes On Nipples

For a number of years, the only nipples that were available were the bog-standard rubber variety (pictured on the left). Now there are orthodontic nipples (pictured on the right) which supposedly stops overbite caused by the shape of the nipples. There are options in the shape of the hole as well, you can get cross-cut nipples instead of a hole, they have an x shape for faster flow.

Finally, even the material that is used has changed. Now nipples can be made out of silicone. Usually that means clear nipples, but even coloured ones are available. I haven't seen them recently, which is sad because I really wanted some (especially pink).

That Crazy Feeling...

Now in this little tour of bottles, I talk about how they can make me feel funny inside. They really do. It is tough to describe the feeling I get when seeing a baby bottle. But there is an indescribable sensation that happens when one comes in my field of view. I really have a hard time not staring at a bottle. This can be a little awkward at times.

Unless you are already an infantilist, it is probably difficult to even conceive of a baby bottle being remotely erotic. But I'll try to describe what I see in them, and why they are such a big trigger for me.

First off, the act of being fed a baby bottle is a very strongly sensual, bonding and loving experience. One of the things that I sometimes hear is that fetishists cannot have proper relationships because they don't express love like everyone else. Well this is a load of crap, and I think that a bottle feeding can bring two people as close together (if not closer together) then making love. A bottle feeding has the same atavistic, deeply genetic nature of sexual reproduction, but added to that is a slower, softer and more caring side to it as well. The sensuality of being cuddled up and held by someone you love, drinking a warm bottle of milk, staring up into their eyes as they stroke your hair is mind-boggling.

Bottles carry some raw eroticism, at least for me. To some degree or another they are meant to simulate a very erotic and erogenous zone of the body: the nipple. This can actually be played with, teasing the bottle nipple in and out of the mouth, or even toying with other parts of the body.

Drinking out of a bottle can be a humiliating experience as well. It is such a regression, a complete lapse into babyishness. Drinking out of a pink baby bottle is even more so. It makes one feel so helpless, so girly and so small. It is perhaps because of this feeling of vulnerability that make the sensual experience so powerful.

And finally, there is in fact a potential BDSM component, I even alluded to it earlier. Bottles can be used to force someone to drink something. Is it going to be that yucky fruit juice you don't like? Over concentrated baby formula? Or a babyfood feeder full of strained peas? The babyfood feeder and Playtex nurser both make excellent choices for force feeding, as you can squeeze the liquid (or food) out with very little effort, forcing it into (and out of) the nipple.

Describing the powerlessness of being fed something and given no choice but to consume it is difficult at best, but I'll try, with our friend the metaphor. Blindfolding someone is like visual bondage. Force feeding is like oral/flavor bondage. You don't get to choose what you taste, or when you taste it, your only choice is to drink it or suffocate. It's quite powerful.

I hope that my little exposition on baby bottles enlightened you a little. Maybe for those infantilists out there, it gives them some ideas to try out, or some new perspectives. For those that aren't, maybe it gives them an idea of where we are coming from, and an idea about what it is like. And hey, maybe you'll even try it!

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to post in the comments section!