For better or worse, my linen closet is half open. Some days I am opening it more, other days I am closing it. It is a constant push/pull thing for me. Sometimes things spill out of my linen closet and onto the floor.
What Am I trying to say? In short, I have a need to share to the world my ABy side. It is something that I have been fighting with for a long, long time. In fact, ever since I have known that I was an ABy, I have been dealing with this.
When I was first getting into this, I had an online name that suggested my ABy name, and I used it everywhere. I wasn't (too) shy about being an ABy, and a lot of people knew, or found out easily. I would always be wearing a pacifier and my jacket--a leather biker jacket no less--had a rattle and diaper pins on it. When I first moved out, I would drink from sippy cups or baby bottles.
The end result of this is that I have a reputation. When I was first dating my wife, mutual acquaintances would go up to her and say "You know about...him...right?" Luckily I was honest and open about who I was faily early in the relationship, so she heard it from me that I was an ABy, not someone else. All that said, it made things a little awkward for her.
Of course, with this reputation, it can be a little awkward for me as well, like when my current boss calls me by one of my old nicknames (Baby Jon) from years ago. Does he really know? He must know that there is SOMETHING about me, but what? and how much does he know?
But despite all of that, the need to share still stands. Even now, I sometimes find myself wishing that I could share in my secret with my friends. In fact, I want to show a few of them this blog!
Why do I need to share my Adult Baby side so much? This is a question I have been grappling with for long. It seems that there are a couple of reasons:
- I am looking for acceptance and validation from my friends
- I am looking for similarities/kinship with someone else
What Do I mean by acceptance and validation? Not just in a "Hey, we know and we're okay with it." kind of way, but in a "Hey, we know and we're okay with it. By the way, you look really cute in that Hello Kitty skirt with your frilly plastic pants poking out from underneath!" kind of way. Basically, I have a need to share my story. that is partially why I am posting this blog in the first place, it is a way for me to share my story, even if I haven't yet told a single friend about it.
The flip side to this coin is the people being shared to; I don't know how fair it is to my friends if I sent them this blog. There would be this expectation that they would read it, and how would it make them feel? I talk about some pretty...ahhh...intense things here. Do my friends really need to know that I enjoy being forcefed from a baby bottle? Do they really need to know that not only to I wear and use diapers sometimes, but...I like it?
Chances are, the answer to those questions are: "No". But I wish it was "yes", and I wish I could share them my world. I haven't fully explored this aspect yet, so chances are I will revisit it in a future blog post. And maybe in the meantime I'll come up with enough courage to actually talk to one of my friends, and see how they really feel about infantlism in general, my infantilism in particular. Of course, I'll have to be careful how I broach the topic!
1 comment:
I know that struggle, and its a struggle that we all go through and we probably will for a long part of our lives, all I can do is wish you the best of luck. I talked to you on AIM a few times before and you helped me with a few questions I had, thanks again. Sorry to bring up sissybecky.com, I know you must get tired of hearing about it, but it truly was great, I miss everything about it, the community interaction, the stories, the "tips", the pictures, I understand the pressure it took for you to take it down, but hopefully someday someone might start it back up again, maybe me, who knows, but I do know I would love it. (holy run-on sentence batman) :P
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